– My fellow Americans, I speak to you tonight
with an urgent message. In six days, a meteor is
expected to strike Earth. One hour after the meteor’s
strike, tidal waves will flood the
entire Eastern seaboard. Massive earthquakes will
shake the whole nation and then all the world
will plunge into darkness. I know this sounds hopeless,
but we can survive. As Commander in Chief, it’s my job to protect the
American people against every eventuality. My government has constructed
reinforced bunkers throughout this great
nation, filled with food and water
to last for 100 years. All you have to do is get your
family to the closest bunker. Please don’t panic, there’s
enough room for everyone. It won’t be easy, but we will
survive. Just pay attention and follow
directions. Goodnight and may God bless America. 207 views? – Yeah, but it’s about to
update, so it’s now up to 248 views. – That’s it? The speech has been online for
10 hours. I’m telling people the
world is about to end. – People think politics are
boring. – Okay, okay. That’s just the internet. We broke into all the major
TV news broadcasts, right? – Yeah. Penetration of our message to Caucasians over 60 is doing
great. I mean, our Miami Beach
bunker is almost full, so. (tongue clicking) – Just old people? How are they supposed to
continue the human race? Frankly, they shouldn’t be
allowed in the bunkers anyway. – But they are, because you
built a shit ton of bunkers. – I did that. I built a
shit ton of bunkers. So, how are we going to
get people to watch this? (dog barking) – Uh, hey guys. So today, I want to talk about the big meteor that’s gonna
crash into the planet. (high pitched screaming) Yeah, it’s a total bummer
that everyone’s gonna die. But you can survive if you make
it to one of the thousands of
bunkers we built just for this occasion. What? Cray cray! Oh my god, President
Powers, you are the best. (sped up American National
Anthem music) So come and make your way to a
bunker and God bless America. (smooching) What’s with all the jump cuts? – Trust us, this is how all the
most popular web videos look. – And see now we have an extra
200 views. Okay. – That’s it? – It’s hard to make things
go viral these days, I mean, people used to be
impressed with like, Charlie Bit My
Finger. I don’t know. Now you have to do something
big. – We’re talking about
the end of the world. – I know what the problem is. People see the video and the don’t know how
long it’s gonna take or what you’re talking about. They want short, snackable
content. – What are you saying? What up? Top five things only people
about to be hit by a meteor
understand. Number five. You don’t bother cleaning your
kitchen, ’cause it’s probably about to fall to the center of the Earth. Especially if you live in
Oklahoma, Kansas or western Colorado. Whoo! Seriously, western Colorado, get
out. Number four. You’re kind of glad you’ll
never finish Call of Duty. The new one sucks. What’s Call of Duty? Is that a Tom Clancy novel? Isn’t this almost the same
thing? I mean, are you telling me
people really listen more because I put numbers in front of my talking
points? – One, yes it is. Two, yes they do. – And the number one thing that only someone who’s about to
get hit by a meteor gets, a spot in one of our bunkers. Get in our bunker. Please go to a bunker. You’ll die if you don’t. I shouldn’t have to work this
hard. Please. Well, it’s stupid. Well, at least it got 170 views! – Here’s the thing Madam
President. Our video is great, but. – But most content is driven
by young Caucasian males, so you mentioned video
games, which is great. Good job. But unfortunately you insulted
them, so your account was reported
for cyber terrorism. – Excuse me? – It’s okay, we apologized to
those people and we made you a new account. You’re now PresidentPowers_1. – And now we’re good to go. – We’re running out of time,
people, so if you have an idea, let’s
try it. Hi, I’m the President and this is a really
cute puppy. He’s just gonna sit here while
I play some kind of video
game. Here we go. Okay so, oh, I’ve got a gun. They’re shooting at me. Stop, no. I died. Luckily, this is just a game. Not like real life,
where you’ll die forever if you don’t get to the bunkers. But don’t take it from me. – [Voiceover] Take it from a
bunch of college girls in low cut
shirts. (heavy metal instrumental music) – Pan up, you’re not getting
their faces. ♪Pan up pan up pan up ♪ ♪You’re not getting their faces
face♪ ♪Pan up up up up up up ♪ – That sucked. – Why is this so hard? I got Florida and Ohio to vote
for me. I can’t get them to spare
90 seconds for a video? – This one did even
worse than the last two. – Alright, I’ll just make
another video and something that’s a little
more of a viral kind of a thing. – The problem isn’t the video,
it’s you. The internet hates you, you’re
boring. You don’t do vape tricks, you don’t even try to show your
tits. We need someone who
knows what they’re doing. – What up, bitches? I’m here from internet. And I heard you need
help savin’ the world. – I don’t like him. – He has the biggest YouTube
channel of all time, ma’am. If anyone knows what
they’re doing, it’s him. – Okay, I’m gonna need
makeup in here immediately and let’s lose the pantsuit. When people look at you, they
need to say, “What an idiot.” Does this room need to be an
oval? Let’s get a rectangle goin’. ♪So hello from the meteor♪ ♪I’m gonna smash into your
world♪ ♪But if you’re in a bunker♪ ♪Then you might stay alive♪ ♪Hello from the meteor ♪ 50,000 views. Which is nothing. – That’s it then? We failed. – Not just yet. I still have one more idea. Lose the President, lose
the depressing meteors and the boring bunkers. Let’s focus on what is working
about this. Me. – But then what will? – Not now! This is our last shot. – Don’t ruin this! – What up guys, it’s Pimple Day. I got this bad boy here
just itchin’ to pop. Ready? Three, two, one. (cheering) I popped the shit out of that
zit. That was fire, that was fire. – It would’ve been, if
you’d mentioned the meteor. – It’s a hit. You’re not being very fire. – No, I’m not fire and I’m not viral and I’m not
snackable or clickable or buzzing or
sizzling or trending or twirbuling or whatever stupid word you’re
gonna come up with next! Get out of my way. Sqirbuling. – I may not be able to get
the people into the bunkers, but I’m gonna take these 500
million views and I’m gonna shove ’em up your
ass! (painful screaming) – Tell me somebody got that. You got that! – [Voiceover] Yeah. Oh, we’re sqirbulin’ right now. Like and subscribe. – [President Powers] Shut up! (viewers laughing) (laughing) Yeah. (laughing) It’s so dumb. (laughing) Ow. Shove ’em up your ass! (dramatic instrumental music) – [Voiceover] And now
introducing the 46th President of the United
States, Dilden. – [Dilden] Hey, what’s
up my fellow Americans? First, thanks so much for
electing me president of the remains of
the United States of America. I have the best fans. I look forward to serving this
country with the help of your new vice
president, an animated GIF from Hey Arnold. I hear people say that America
is broken. America isn’t what it once was. America was destroyed by a
meteor. Well, I have a word for these
people. Haters. It doesn’t matter what the
haters say. We should just be proud of who
were are. Love yourself, whether
you’re a global super power or a series of bunkers scattered across a continentaly
large smoldering crater. Stay awesome, you guys and stay awesome the
United States of America.

The President Goes Viral | Bad Internet
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