[whimsical music playing] Hey, gods. It’s Devi Vishwakumar, your favorite Hindu girl
in the San Fernando Valley. What’s a-poppin’? It’s the first day of school,
and I thought we should have a check in. I think we can all agree
that last year sucked for a number of reasons. So I thought of a few ways
you guys can make it up to me. One: I’d like to be invited to a party
with alcohol and hard drugs. I’m not gonna do them.
I’d just like the opportunity to say: “No cocaine for me, thanks. I’m good.” Two: I’d love for my arm hair to thin out. I know it’s an Indian thing, but my forearms look like
the frigging floor of a barber shop. And lastly, most importantly, I’d really, really like a boyfriend, but not some nerd from one of AP classes. Like a guy from a sports team. He can be dumb. I don’t care. I just want him to be a stone-cold hottie,
who could rock me all night long. Thanks for considering. I love you guys.