LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LOUIS C.K.
♪♪♪>>THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YES,
THAT’S RIGHT. THAT’S APPROPRIATE.
HERE’S A JOKE. WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE
ROAD? BECAUSE THERE IS A BLACK GUY
WALKING BEHIND HIM. AND HE WAS NERVOUS.
HE WAS NEW TO THE CITY, THIS CHICKEN, AND HE WAS LIKE “I FEEL
LIKE HE IS FOLLOWING ME.” BUT THEN HE THOUGHT IF I CROSS
THE ROAD, THEN IF HE CROSSES THE ROAD, HE DEFINITELY FOLOWING ME.
SO HE CROSSES THE ROAD. THE BLACK GUY WENT HOME, HE’S
JUST LIVING HIS LIFE. AND THE CHICKEN IS LIKE “I’M
SUCH A RACIST.” HE FELT BAD.
ABOUT A MONTH LATER A BLACK GUY ATE THE CHICKEN.
DIFFERENT BLACK GUY. I’M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT
HAPPENED. BY THE WAY, THIS JOKE IS NOT
RACIST. DON’T BE AFRAID.
THIS IS NOT A RACIST JOKE. THE CHICKEN WAS RACIST.
THE CHICKEN WAS DEFINITELY — BUT THAT’S CHICKENS.
CHICKENS ARE VERY, SORT OF, CLOSED DOWN, SORT OF SUSPICIOUS,
PREJUDICE PEOPLE. YOU KIND OF CAN’T BLAME THEM
CONSIDERING THAT THEIR SPECIES MURDER RATE IS 100%.
THAT’S WHY CHICKENS ARE LIKE — NO FRIENDLY CHICKENS.
YOU CAN FEED THE SAME CHICKEN EVERY DAY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, YOU BLACK SON OF A BITCH, I’M NOT COMING
OVER THERE. I’M NOT IN YOUR SOUP YET, YOU
JEW. I LIKE ANIMALS.
I LIKE WONDERING ABOUT ANIMALS. I LIKE WONDERING WHAT THEY ARE
THINKING. YOU CAN ASK ABOUT ANY ANIMAL AND
THE CONVERSATION IS OVER. I WONDER IF ANIMALS ARE AWARE OF
THEIR LIVES. LIKE, IS A GIRAFFE UP THERE
GOING, “WHOA!” IT’S TOO HIGH!
HEY, HORSE. HORSE!
>>WHAT, MAN?>>LOOK AT MY NECK!
THAT’S WHY HORSES MAKE THAT NOSE.
YOU ARE NEAR A HORSE AND HE DOES THAT, THAT’S BECAUSE YOU SUCK.
DOES A MOOSE LOOK DIFFERENT WHEN IT’S SURPRISED?
DID YOU SEE A MOOSE? THEY HAVE THIS — I SAW A MOOSE
ONCE IN PERSON. OR IN MOOSE.
MAYBE I WAS PROJECTING BECAUSE I WAS LIKE OH, MY GOSH, A MOOSE
AND HE WAS GOING OH, MY GOD, I’M A MOOSE!
EVERY MOOSE LOOKS LIKE A DUDE WHO GOT TURNED INTO A MOOSE
BEFORE YOU LOOKED AT HIM. I WAS THINKING OF BUYING A GOAT.
BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A TRASH CAN THAT I CAN MAKE LOVE TO.
THAT’S WHY I’M GOING TO BUY A GOAT.
I CAN DO THAT WITH A TRASH CAN I HAVE NOW, BUT I DON’T HAVE A
VAGINA. THAT MAKES IT BETTER.
I DON’T CARE THAT YOU ARE UPSET. I’M STILL GETTING THE GOAT.
I LOVE DOING THIS. STAND-UP COMEDY.
I HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR 32 YEARS NOW.
IT’S BEEN GOING GREAT FOR FOUR YEARS, 28 YEARS IT WAS A
STRUGGLE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I WAS HAPPY
WHEN I WAS STRUGGLING. I WAS.
BECAUSE WHEN YOUR LIFE SUCKS, IT JUST SUCKS AND YOU LIVE IT.
WHEN IT GETS BETTER, YOU START GETTING UNHAPPY.
THEN YOU’RE UPSET. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS.
LIKE, NOW I STAY IN BEAUTIFUL FIVE-STAR HOTELS AND I’M
MISERABLE. I USED TO STAY IN MOTELS.
NOT EVEN LIKE A NICE — LIKE A MOTEL 6.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT. LIKE A NOT EVEN A NAME.
JUST MOTEL. LIKE THEY BUILT IT AND ONE GUY
IS LIKE “WHAT SHOULD WE NAME IT?”
THE OTHER GUY IS LIKE, “WHAT?” LAST TIME YOU TOOK A DUMP, DID
YOU NAME IT? YOU KNOW THE MOTELS ON THE
HIGHWAY AND YOU SAY, WHO IS INSIDE OF THAT?
RIGHT ON THE HIGHWAY. LIKE, THE DOOR OPENS ONTO THE
HIGHWAY AND ATRUCK TAKES THE DOOR –.
AND WHEN YOU GET IN THE SHOWER, YOU ARE DIRTIER NOW.
THEY GIVE YOU SOAP AND YOU HAVE TO PEEL OUST PAPER AND IT MAKES
A RASH. YOU CAN WRITE YOUR NAME IN SKIN
DISEASE WITH THE SOAP. AND THERE’S ALWAYS TWO BEDS AND
ONE BED HAS A BIG POOL OF SPERM RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
JUST A BIG DEEP POOL WITH A CURRENT.
HIGH TIDE AT THE SPERM POOL! WHERE’S THE BOAT?
I STAYED IN, LIKE, IN MOTELS LIKE THAT FOR YEARS AND I WAS
HAPPY. BECAUSE WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO? COMPLAIN TO THE MOTEL?
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CALL THE FRONT DESK?
“I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER.”
“WELL, HE’S DEAD. SOMEBODY DUCT TAPED HIM TO A
CHAIR AND SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD BECAUSE HE OWED HIM $15.”
NOW I STAY AT BEAUTIFUL HOTELS AND I’M MISERABLE BECAUSE I
DON’T LIKE THE FANCY HOTEL STUFF.
THEY TIE YOUR BATHROBE INTO A SWAN AND I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN
YOU CALL ROOM SERVICE THEY SAY A LONG FLOWERY HELLO BEFORE YOU
TALK ABOUT FOOT. YOU CALL DOWN TO ROOM SERVICE,
THEY’RE LIKE, “HELLO, THIS ROOM SERVICE –”
[ UNINTELIGIBLE ] I HATE IT.
STOP IT! I NEVER LET THEM FINISH.
IT’S LIKE, “HELLO, ROOM SERVICE –”
STOP, STOP, STOP! THANKS, I’D LIKE SOME COFFEE!
I’M MEAN. YOU STAY IN THE HOTELS AND YOU
ARE USED TO IT AND ONE TIME MY LAUNDRY WASN’T THERE.
SO I CALLED HOUSEKEEPING. NOW THEY DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE
ALL FANCY AT HOUSEKEEPING. THIS IS HOW SHE ANSWERS THE
PHONE, SHE GOES, “HELLO?” AND I ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO HER,
I SAID, “DO YOU WANT TO TRY THAT AGAIN?”
YEAH. I’M TELLING YOU THINGS ABOUT ME.
I WAS LIKE, “DID I REACH YOU ON YOUR PERSONAL PHONE TODAY?”
SO SHE SAID — SHE GOES, “WHAT DO YOU NEED,
SIR?” AND I SAID, “WELL, I GAVE YOU MY
LAUNDRY YESTERDAY.” SHE SAID “YOU DIDN’T GIVE IT TO
ME.” I WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD, I’M SO
EXCITED ABOUT HOW MAD I GET TO BE NOW.
I SAID, “I GAVE MY LAUNDRY TO YOUR DEPARTMENT AND I WAS
PROMISED. LIKE IT’S IN THE CONSTITUTION
THAT YOU GET YOUR LAUNDRY. IT’S BEEN LONGER THAN 24 HOURS.
SHE SAID, “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?”
SO I SAID, “OKAY, LISTEN, FIRST OF ALL, YOU CAN HEAR IN MY VOICE
THAT I’M WHITE.” AND BY THE WAY, I’LL DEFEND THAT
RIGHT NOW. I’LL DEFEND THAT.
BECAUSE LOOK, IT’S WRONG THAT WHITE PEOPLE GET PREFERENTIAL
TREATMENT. IT’S WRONG.
BUT AS LONG AS THEY DO, WHAT’S GOING ON AT THIS HOTEL?
I’M SUPPOSED TO GET THE BEST BECAUSE I’M WHITE WHICH IS
AWFUL AND LONG, BUT WHERE IS IT RIGHT NOW?
SO SHE GETS SICK OF ME. SHE SAYS, “DO YOU WANT TO SPEAK
TO A MANAGER?” I SAID YES.
SO THE MANAGER COMES ON, “HELLO? IT’S NED –”
[ UNINTELIGIBLE ] I SAID, “I AM VERY UPSET!”
SHE WAS LIKE, “OH, I’M SO SORRY, WHITE SIR.
WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?” I SAID, “I DON’T HAVE MY
LAUNDRY.” HE SAID, “AAH!”
HE SAID, “I’M GOING TO CONDUCT AN INVESTIGATION.”
I WAS LIKE, “YES, THAT’S A VERY WHITE THING.
I WANT A WHITE INVESTIGATION INTO MY LAUNDRY.”
SO HE SAID “I WILL CALL YOU BACK IN FIVE MINUTES OR LESS.”
SO I’M WAITING IN MY ROOM LIKE —
SO HE CALLS ME BACK LATER, HE SAYS, “SIR, I LOOKED INTO THE
MATTER AND I HAVE ONE QUESTION. ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU GAVE US
LAUNDRY?” AS SOON AS HE SAID THAT I WAS
LIKE, “I DID NOT GIVE YOU — WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
THE CHAINSMOKERS ARE HERE. SO STICK AROUND AND WE’LL BE
RIGHT BACK. ♪♪♪

Louis C.K. Stand-Up Monologue – SNL
Tagged on:                                                                                                                                                                         

100 thoughts on “Louis C.K. Stand-Up Monologue – SNL

  • September 13, 2019 at 2:59 am
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    The suit takes something away. I don't know what. Its like he's your teacher telling rude gags. Love Louis best in junky jeans and t shirt.
    PS I am the lone guy commenting on his suit and not him being erased from history for masturbating publically.

    Reply
  • September 13, 2019 at 4:55 pm
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    C'mon back, Louie. The fragile spirits must feel they've extracted their pound of flesh by now. By the way, nice career, Tig! How's it working out for you?

    Reply
  • September 14, 2019 at 3:46 pm
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    Screwing goats is a felony.

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  • September 14, 2019 at 4:19 pm
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    I like that the band-members are enjoying him…..

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  • September 15, 2019 at 12:16 am
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    It's sad to think I'll never hear a new Louis C.K. joke.

    Reply
  • September 17, 2019 at 5:27 am
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    I am a woman, and I do not understand why what Louis C.K. did was so horrible that it could destroy his career. He was flawed, like many, but he was also incredibly talented, which is not like many. What happened to him was very unfortunate and sad. I miss his comedy and his humor.

    Reply
  • September 18, 2019 at 4:32 am
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    Walter White got reaaaally phat….

    Reply
  • September 18, 2019 at 11:47 pm
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    Lous should get back, BUT MAYBE 😀

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  • September 19, 2019 at 12:18 am
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    ugh poor thing had to be on with the Chainsmokers

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  • September 20, 2019 at 11:04 pm
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    6:05 look at Louis CK's head. Illuminati confirmed

    Reply
  • September 21, 2019 at 1:03 am
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    JOIN THE NEW CONSCIOUSNESS
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBWWgU6Ly0_WhM-vCPnDMrA?view_as=subscriber

    Reply
  • September 21, 2019 at 9:29 pm
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    The chicken murder rate is 100%…🤣🤣🤣

    Reply
  • September 22, 2019 at 7:26 pm
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    Bill burr recently said: I think the metoo movement must have got everybody by now

    Reply
  • September 22, 2019 at 10:37 pm
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    My dad still thinks it's weird to masturbate in front of people, ignorant baby boomers eh?

    Reply
  • September 23, 2019 at 9:20 am
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    its so weird. we all want him back but we are afraid to say it. the shift has come, harder than louis on his stomach.

    Reply
  • September 23, 2019 at 10:53 am
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    Here's a joke.. .
    Why is Louie's career officially dead in the water?
    Because he's a sexual predator who was never funny in the first place.

    Reply
  • September 24, 2019 at 6:24 am
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    Hilarious. ; )

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  • September 24, 2019 at 9:50 am
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    Can anyone explain the Goat and the trashcan joke ?

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  • September 24, 2019 at 2:41 pm
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    he's an asshole

    Reply
  • September 24, 2019 at 9:30 pm
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    I love that I haven’t seen this in years, so I get to watch it again like I’ve never seen it. Absence truly does make old jokes funny AF!!

    Reply
  • September 25, 2019 at 12:22 am
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    Funny. Would be better without the turned – racism stuff. It's as wrong as the racism towards black people.

    Reply
  • September 25, 2019 at 2:24 am
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    HE is so gross and gets away with it

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  • September 25, 2019 at 9:51 am
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    i've always loved his take on racism lol

    Reply
  • September 27, 2019 at 11:06 am
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    ABSOLUTE LEGEND.

    Reply
  • September 29, 2019 at 6:40 am
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    Pervert and all, but this muthafucks is funny

    Reply
  • September 29, 2019 at 9:37 am
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    He made the chicken racist. That's fucking brilliant.

    Bring this masturbatin' son of a bitch back.

    Reply
  • October 2, 2019 at 9:39 pm
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    Louis C.K. always was very talented and funny. But he perfected his craft over the many years to absolute master level! Top 5 COMEDIAN OF ALL TIME! PERIOD!

    …and he will be back!

    Reply
  • October 3, 2019 at 8:33 am
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    Snl knew what they were getting when they payed louis ck to do a monolouge XD

    Reply
  • October 3, 2019 at 10:11 pm
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    Legend!

    Reply
  • October 4, 2019 at 1:24 am
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    Im binge watching SNL and i gotta say, most episodes are entertaining, some are funny, but on this one i laughed from the soul, when he said "in mouse" i was dying, how can he make such moronic jokes hillarious, we want you back you lonely pervert

    Reply
  • October 4, 2019 at 7:52 am
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    Making fun of those poor exploited chickens…always punching down!

    Reply
  • October 6, 2019 at 2:42 am
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    Genius

    Reply
  • October 6, 2019 at 9:31 am
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    Louis championed the struggle of the comic. He's probably getting a lot of good writing done with his free time.

    Reply
  • October 6, 2019 at 2:56 pm
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    He's the fucking GOAT, allegations be damned

    Reply
  • October 7, 2019 at 2:02 pm
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    Everybody say "Bring him back!!"
    the real question is, who is gonna "bring" him back? tell me the person name, and back to where exactly?
    .
    .
    He actually doing standup again, so basically he back in business

    Reply
  • October 8, 2019 at 2:02 am
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    CK is awesome, did nothing wrong. Btw, lady Gaga looks like cigarettes and yellow fingernails. Love always, Mr. Turd Ferguson, Esquire, philanthropist, turtle farmer, surfer, overall swell guy 🇨🇮

    Reply
  • October 8, 2019 at 5:40 am
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    I’ve seen 4 videos in a row were Louie tells a NOT racist joke 😂

    Reply
  • October 8, 2019 at 11:48 am
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    He did nothing wrong.

    Reply
  • October 9, 2019 at 2:42 am
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    this was a mild set for him.

    Reply
  • October 10, 2019 at 7:19 pm
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    he didn't rape, he busted a nut

    Reply
  • October 11, 2019 at 4:59 am
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    Pervert or not, that fucker is funny. He puts all the other comedians to shame 😂

    Reply
  • October 11, 2019 at 7:31 am
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    1:08 cockroach on his head

    Reply
  • October 11, 2019 at 9:32 am
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    Still his fan. Can care less that he jerked off in front of stupid cunts that never said a word up until he made his way to the top. Had all of the time in the world to report how it made them feel then and just waited….

    Reply
  • October 11, 2019 at 5:26 pm
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    0:38

    Reply
  • October 12, 2019 at 5:19 am
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    Yeah, I'm cool with him. Definitely a creeper, but that seems to have its intellectual benefits.

    Reply
  • October 12, 2019 at 3:43 pm
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    Why do people think Chappelle is the best comedian out there and not Louis? Chappelle is great, but he does not write stuff on the same level of genius that Louis does. Bill Burr doesn't either, as good as he is. The problem is Louis is also gross and perverted. Like the goat joke. WTF does that have to be in there for? Just to make people squirm. Same thing basically as what motivated him to jerk off in front of people. He likes seeing them squirm. Sick and twisted. But yet he's a genius.

    Reply
  • October 13, 2019 at 5:53 am
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    1.08 What was that on Louis head?

    Reply
  • October 13, 2019 at 9:38 am
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    He's the 🐐 comedian to at SNL monologues

    Reply
  • October 13, 2019 at 10:16 am
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    Chicken = small brain

    Reply
  • October 13, 2019 at 7:30 pm
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    I’ve never seen a man that gets funnier as he ages. I’d love to live to see him in his 100s😂

    Reply
  • October 14, 2019 at 1:45 am
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    you're all perverts too lmao

    Reply
  • October 14, 2019 at 8:57 pm
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    This guy is amazing. America take note

    Reply
  • October 14, 2019 at 8:59 pm
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    He can make anyyhing funny. Hes talking about animals and its genuinely funny

    Reply
  • October 15, 2019 at 5:58 am
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    Come back please

    Reply
  • October 15, 2019 at 11:51 am
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    Hes the worlds most brilliant comedian

    Reply
  • October 15, 2019 at 8:46 pm
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    God I love this man. I’ll watch him madturbate any day

    Reply
  • October 16, 2019 at 2:46 am
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    I like to watch!! Come back luis

    Reply
  • October 17, 2019 at 12:08 pm
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    Was he testing out what he could get away with. He's always been edgy, but it was true, different edginess not "I'm going to fuck a goat" or saying racist crap and pretending "I'm just telling you what happened."

    It's like the "I could shoot someone on 6th Avenue" of a comedy set.

    Reply
  • October 17, 2019 at 2:12 pm
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    Poor Louis. Died in that tragic masturbating accident.

    Reply
  • October 17, 2019 at 7:39 pm
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    Anyone watching in 2019? Who wants him back?

    Reply
  • October 18, 2019 at 6:56 am
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    Ck let's go champ

    Reply
  • October 18, 2019 at 6:41 pm
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    A chicken is a she.

    Reply
  • October 19, 2019 at 2:48 am
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    Society crucified him like he was a rapist. Aside from having perverted thoughts and actions and he acted on them doesn't mean to put him with society's worst. Louis we love you and can't wait for you to come back and bust that door down!!

    Reply
  • October 20, 2019 at 3:18 am
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    Intelligent humor.

    Reply
  • October 20, 2019 at 9:02 pm
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    One time when I was about 16, I got off the bus with another girl, probably around 22yrs old. Then we started walking in the same direction me behind her. She was in fancy shoes, which she suddenly took off and she RAN AWAY!! The bitch started running like I was chasing her. It was an odd thing, but props to her for being untrusting and protecting herself.

    Reply
  • October 21, 2019 at 6:55 am
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    It's time to have Louie back on guys!

    Reply
  • October 23, 2019 at 8:15 pm
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    Just asking – if everyone's search histories were made public, how many of us wouldn't also be grouped in as perverts?

    Reply
  • October 24, 2019 at 9:01 pm
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    Priceless!!!

    Reply
  • October 25, 2019 at 7:24 am
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    So edgy bro

    Reply
  • October 26, 2019 at 5:35 am
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    I am half black and I love that chicken joke

    Reply
  • October 26, 2019 at 5:33 pm
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    My thoughts on first couple jokes: "man he's actually pretty clean with these first couple of jokes"
    Next joke: "I wanna make love to a trash can"
    Me- here we go.

    Reply
  • October 27, 2019 at 12:21 am
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    The best comedian.

    Reply
  • October 27, 2019 at 7:52 am
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    At least, if a goat agree with u jerkin off in front of her, then she don’t whine about what happened. Problably cause goat can recognize a rape and instead women…

    Reply
  • October 27, 2019 at 9:20 pm
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    He is so good! Miss him

    Reply
  • October 27, 2019 at 9:58 pm
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    Louis come back you

    Reply
  • October 28, 2019 at 1:32 am
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    Come on Louis, make a comeback, 2020!

    Reply
  • October 28, 2019 at 9:14 am
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    legally he did nothing wrong, morally he did. I'm glad he's making a comeback and even it he doesn't get to be on TV &movies again, he'll be fine

    Reply
  • October 28, 2019 at 4:49 pm
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    54k likes

    Louis had to come back!!

    Reply
  • October 29, 2019 at 3:35 am
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    Not really the point I know, but… who plays a flying V sitting down?

    Reply
  • October 29, 2019 at 10:54 pm
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    He just isn't funny. One lucky guy.

    Reply
  • October 30, 2019 at 5:45 pm
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    No money for rapists. Promote someone who isn't a d-bag.

    Reply
  • October 31, 2019 at 12:38 am
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    Reply
  • October 31, 2019 at 10:04 am
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    Trashing his career like it belongs in the #metoo movement just hurts the cause! How is he situation anywhere near any of the atrocities women when through in show business?? He was getting too famous and on a league of his own 🤷🏻‍♀️.. he was brilliant in Lisbon and addressed the issue straight away in the most intelligent way. After the show we found him at this joint just playing pool… no one bothered him, here in Europe no one cares about celebrities, so I guess it was even better for him. His shows are always sold out and he doesn’t have to deal with the fame thing.

    Reply
  • November 3, 2019 at 2:36 am
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    I hope you’ve stopped wanking off in front of unsuspecting women, cause you are the best comedian in the world

    Reply
  • November 3, 2019 at 3:10 am
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    We need him back now

    Reply
  • November 3, 2019 at 5:18 am
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    Bring this pervert back, I still love Louis, even if what he did was wrong. People are allowed to be flawed: Louis' comedy makes the world a better place.

    Reply
  • November 3, 2019 at 11:09 pm
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    I been a fan of his for a long time. Seeing him treated the same as Harvey Weinstein is RIDICULOUS!

    Reply
  • November 4, 2019 at 7:59 am
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    Why goat trash can? Just whip it out and rub one out.

    Reply
  • November 7, 2019 at 4:06 pm
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    BRING HIM BACK !!! I'D GIVE 35 million dollars to get him BACK !!!

    Reply
  • November 8, 2019 at 4:34 am
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    You were gone to soon, we love you.. R.I.P.

    Reply
  • November 9, 2019 at 1:06 am
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    I want Louie back. What he did is not unforgivable.

    Reply
  • November 9, 2019 at 5:21 am
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    A Master orator and a master

    Reply
  • November 9, 2019 at 9:47 am
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    Why is a goat a trash can?

    Reply
  • November 10, 2019 at 8:59 am
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    Lowkey one of his best sets imo which is saying a lot because he always kills

    Reply
  • November 11, 2019 at 9:09 am
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    No laundry?! No fucking way!

    Reply
  • November 11, 2019 at 9:48 am
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    One of his bests!

    Reply
  • November 11, 2019 at 5:28 pm
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    1:08 There's a cockroach or some kinds of dark fiends on his head!

    Reply
  • November 12, 2019 at 1:02 am
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    When horses make that noise, Is because you suck 😂. There's a lot of suckers out there 😂

    Reply
  • November 12, 2019 at 1:11 am
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    I didn't give you laundry

    Reply
  • November 12, 2019 at 5:08 am
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    Now I see why Chris Rock thinks he's the black is white guy there is

    Reply

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