Pee on his damn face! Don’t you worry, bro. I got your back. Listen to me. Stop it. You’re going to hurt somebody with that. Bhola, tell him.
Yeah, yeah. You think you can hit him at this range? What’re you doing, bro? Don’t you go doubting me! Knock some sense into him, man!
1… 2… Bhola… [girl shrieks] Motherfu- Wh…what have you done? Wha… Didn’t I tell you?
I never miss. [sirens approaching] Sir, please, go easy on me. It hurts. Oops! I’m so sorry! Did I hit you too hard? You son of a bitch!
I’m going to beat you up. If not a B.Tech, what will he do? [gasps in pain] Will he roam the streets like these losers? Let me speak to him.
Hey froggy. Do some sit-ups for me. You’re sure you want to hit me? That’s one.
That’s two. That’s three. You in love with my ass or what? His is available too. Ouch!
Why skip the coaching, son? Hey! Get up!
Son! How will you get into IIT
without coaching classes? Oh nice! You’ve firmed it up for me, huh? [smacks hard] What kind of a man is he? [moans in pain] [moans in pain] [moans in pain] Seems to me you’re behind the times. [smacks harder] [moans in pain] Yeah. You are human, right? What are you looking at? Huh?
It hurts! It hurts! Hey! Yadav! Can’t you see
I’m on the phone? Huh? Yeah, son. Just work hard for two years. Once you get into IIT,
your life is sorted. [laughs] IIT! [laughs] IIT!
Yeah, I’ll talk to you at home. Ok? [laughs uncontrollably] You hungry for more, son? What happened? Nothing. Did I say something funny? …IIT…
Huh? What about IIT? What about it? I think he needs some more roughing up. [continues to laugh] Sorry. IIT is the root of all problems, Sir. Oh really? You’re from IIT? [laughs] I had a girlfriend who went there. You? Your girlfriend went to IIT? [laughs mockingly] Your girlfriend?
Goes to IIT? [laughs] Bu…but why are you laughing? Son, IIT students tend to stay away from turds. They’re successful.
They achieve things. They make the country proud. So, you must have gone to IIT as well. [laughs mockingly] What do you mean? I mean… Anybody who hasn’t studied at IIT can’t achieve anything in life. He’s useless. He’s just a turd. I’m a turd. You’re a turd.
Listen to me! We’re all turds! Listen!
All of us. Turd. Turd. Turd. And turd. It’s not your fault, Sir. It’s been this way since I was a child. This is what the average middle-class Indian thinks. In3 Idiots, Aamir Khan kept saying that one must pursue what he’s passionate about. Well, we will. We will! But first, we need to know
what we’re passionate about. All of our time is being eaten up
by hyperbolas, thermodynamics, fuckin-benzene and assy-amide. As soon as we were born, we were sent off to school. At school, they asked,
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” Some said ‘cricketer’,
some said ‘lawyer’, some said ‘engineer’,
and some said ‘doctor’. But nobody knew a fucking thing! They were just fancy words, said simply because they sounded respectable. Somehow, with great effort, we made it to tenth grade. Tenth. Grade. Boards. Scope. Life! The teacher asked,
“Which stream will you pick?” The kids said ‘science’.
Even I said science. Science. Just because we said that, we discovered a brand new scam in eleventh grade. Preparing for IIT Entrance Exams. What happens is, if you’re at all average, the boards exams fuck you at one end, and on the other, IIT. And I, of course, was born an average person. It had to happen to me. That means you didn’t get into IIT. Wow! I must say – How clever of you! Uh…no, no, what I meant was, what I wanted to know, was whether you
entered engineering college or not. I did. Just like every other guy who failed to get into IIT, I entered Delhi’s Passable Engineering College. You’ll have to work really hard
if you want to compete with IIT students in the future. Yes, Dad. The son of a friend of mine
is coming to stay with you. I think he’s preparing for SSC. Take care. The key’s downstairs, right? Yeah, it is. Okay then. Study hard. I’ll call you at night. Alright, Dad. Was that your Dad? I guess he must be saying, “Since you failed to get into IIT,
you’re doomed.” How do we explain to our parents that Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg – they didn’t go to IIT either. But they’re not losers, are they? Dude. These guys went to Harvard. That’s ranked even higher than IIT. The most important thing in college
is making a good group of friends. Because once you get stuck with terrible people, it’s impossible to leave them. Your college life is about to begin, son. It’s kind of exciting. The kids look fine too. I guess it’s okay that I didn’t get into IIT. I’m going to make my mark here. I have four years. God willing, I’ll achieve something.
Dude, who’re you waiting for? Let’s go or we’ll be late for class. Nice! Dude, even if we get nothing else at this college, at least we’ll build a good network. I feel like our college life is going to be a lot of fun. I’m going to make a video and send it to my school friends. They’re going to turn green with envy. Fuck man! This thing’s hanged again. What happened? It just keeps hanging for no reason. Show me. You’ve filled up 14 of its 16 GB with apps. How else is it going to act? Everything on it is of use. What can I delete? Delete everything and download Popshot Browser. You’re going to be an engineer in four years. Try to be a little technically advanced. The era of apps is gone. This is the age of webapps. This has all the webapps. And they all function exactly like the apps, that too on zero phone storage. Your phone won’t ever hang. You can even take a
live screenshot on this that you can save and share. For example, I screenshot the IIT Delhi website, now I can go live whenever I want. Get it? Damn! Without fucking around with your phone storage. You’re right, dude.
I’ll download it right now. I was blaming my phone for no reason. Dude, making a group of friends
is the most important things in college. A group, man!
I want to gather up a nice group. Look at that. That kind of a group. No, dude! These people are damn rich. You’ll use up your Dad’s life savings, trying to keep up with them. We need to find something a bit more frugal. Look at that. They look plenty poor. Do you want to spend four years of college as a molester? Not at all! I want to have a girlfriend. You do, right? Well, this is the molester group. All they’ll do is drink and leer. All four years. There need to be girls in the group. Okay, look at that. They have a girl, and they don’t seem to be rich. Girls. Plural. There’s just one here. This is a Gang Bang group. That poor woman’s already under so much stress. If the two of us join as well… Poor thing’s going to end up dead. We need something with more girls. Minimum two. Or three. Two or three. Oooh, look at that! That has girls, and they look pretty frugal. That’s the nerd group. Do you want to sit for the JMES again? Nope!
Feel like studying? Whatever happens, happens for the best. And I’m quite happy with this college. A nice little group, man, that’s what we- Look at that. That’s an ideal group. Right? Two guys and three girls. It’s decided, then. We’re two guys. That means
40% of our work is done. Now all we need to do is find three girls. Thinking of gathering a group? Forget about the other two, man.
Just bail me out. All you need to do is bail me out,
and that’s it. Uh… Yeah… See how it is, Mr. Rudra? They’d say, “You can always
count on me, no matter what.” And now? Just hung up on me. [coughs] How did those dorks end up in first year? Bro, you are…? Akashdeep Ahuja. ‘Akash bhai’ for those close to me. Akash, you dick! I want my money back! 3 years I’ve been at this college. I see guys like you every year, trying to form a group of friends from Day 1. Akash, you prick!
You’re in third year? Nope. First. You’re a first-year? 4 years is too short a period of time. College life should last a minimum of
10 to 15 years. After that, it’s the same old
‘manage your Dad’s business’. His black money. It really sucks. Well, I’ll tell you how to nail your college life. Bro, we’ll be late for class…we’ll… Rule number 1 – If anybody says shit to you- You got dicks in your ears or what? If anybody says shit- I’m talking to you, prick! If anybody sa-
Your Mum called me last night! You need to stop them at some point. Rule number 2 – Don’t have too large a debt at the canteen. Why? If you let it grow unchecked, you’ll be shamed every single day. I’ll break your legs if you
don’t get me my money! Rule number 3 – College girls are like a sale. Pick them up in the first week, or all you get are leftovers like these. Somebody please take them away. [gagging] And most importantly,
rule number 4 – Don’t hang out with an idiot
at the start of college. If you start hanging out with an idiot, he’ll be a pain in your ass
for all four years. You don’t need to worry about that. We’ve decided that apart from us,
there won’t be any guys in our group. Right, bro? Then you’re all sorted, Shivam. Congratulations. And if you run into any trouble, don’t forget. Akash bhai has got your back. Yeah, dude. First-years? Yes, Sir. Alright, then. Come, introduce yourselves. Just a sec!
Akash, can you… Come on, come on, come on! Hello. Yeah… I… I’ll speak to you later. Pick any one, based on your field of interest.
Let’s go! Pick it up with your ass cheeks! Come on! Mechanical engineer from Benares. Hey! Hey! You can’t use your hands! Use your ass to pick it up! Mahesh Raj. First year. Mechanical. From Bihar. Nitish Yadav. First year. Electronics and Communication. That girl’s giving him a lap dance!
From Pune. Didn’t I tell you?
Whatever happens, happens for the best. Sir! We’ll do the third one. Great choice. Hey you! Over there!
The lap dancer! Get up! Come on. Decide who’s giving the
lap dance and who’s getting it. Look what you did, you fucking idiot!
Come on! Are you gonna give me one?
Hurry up! We could have picked anything else, but you… Hey you! Come. It’s time for your performance. Come on, dude! Start dancing! What’re you waiting for? Get started! Come on, dude! Shake it!
Show me what you got! Come on. Come on! Shut up! Is this a brothel? My Dad paid for college
so I could dance for you? I’ll ruin the career of every senior
who tries to fuck with me. Get back! Get away! Should I dance? You can’t just go around ragging people. Get out of here! Hey! Get out of here! Leave! Move! Go! Really? You said that to so many people? I’m just fucking with you. Okay. Start dancing. Come on!
Come on, dude! Dance! What’re you doing, man?
Start dancing! Come on! Sit down! Hang on, hang on, hang on! Hey you! Come here. First-year, right? Get over here. What happened? Stand there and introduce yourself, bro. Aditya Chaudhary. First year Mechanical. Management quota. From Rohtak, Haryana. Great. That’s great! Get back here. Say the same thing, but in
Haryanvi, and while stripping. Isn’t ragging banned? Listen, loser! Tons of stuff is banned, and yet… Get started pronto or
we’ll have to undress you. Who’re you calling? You calling your Mum? [mocking laughter] Nope. I’m calling my Uncle. Dinesh Chaudhary. He’s a teacher here. He said to me, “Just give me
a ring if anybody tries to get you to do
something you don’t want.” He’s the Dean!
Hello Uncle. He’s the Dean! Hey! Get out of here.
We’re done here. Done. Just go. Just called to say,
this college is pretty great. Yeah, okay.
Shake it! Shake it dude! Do it! Shake it man! Just a sec, Uncle. Shake it! It’s nearly time for class. Just let them go.
Hey! You’re not their lord and savior. Go away! As I was saying, Uncle… just outside…
Go, guys. Leave. We’re all done here. It’s all good. Just go. We’re done.
Hello. Hello Rakesh. Akash bhai here. Good, yeah, good. I’ve actually been arrested and if you could… Motherf- Ah, forget that. Tell me. What did you do today? What? Oh really? Tell me more. The first year of college is an opportunity to shed the persona you created
during 12 to 15 years of school. It’s your only chance.
Hey! Dude! Thanks, man! You saved my ass back there. This is great, right? Our fellow first-year is the Dean’s nephew. We’re sorted now, all 4 years. He’s not really my Uncle. I read his name in the prospectus. I just said it. So, you lied? If I hadn’t lied, one of you would be
in the other’s lap right now. Where’s you guys go? I’ve been looking for you. Who is he? He’s… Akashdeep Ahuja. ‘Akash bhai’ to those close to me. I’ve been here three years. I’m going to tell him all about you.
Hey! Don’t you worry. Fine. And if you face any trouble, know that Akash bhai has got your back. Akash, you asshole! Who said that? Everyone thinks they’re going to live the high life have a group of friends that’s awesome, amazing, fucking brilliant. But. Nobody knows that you don’t make the group. The group makes itself. And I think ours had been made. Our first class at engineering college!
I feel strangely excited. What the hell are they making us do? If we’d been at IIT, we’d be studying Robotics, Mechanics, Machines, and who knows what else! And these idiots… they want to turn us into carpenters. I can deal with all this. But the class doesn’t seem to
have any pretty girls. Look at them. [retching noises] Even you guys are sexier than them. Whatever happens, happens for the best. And it’s good, right? One should be able to do everything. And it’s a good thing we don’t have
girls here. It would be distracting. Welcome, guys. How are you? Good!
Nice! Lots of excited new faces. So, I just had some good news for you guys. We’re organizing an awesome and happening unofficial Freshers’ Party. It’s in five days, at Club BTW. Guys can get their passes from Ritu. And the girls from Kapoor. And the passes cost just Rs. 1000. That’s it. You’ll have a blast. See you there! For Rs. 1000… I want a pass from Ritu! Hey! Hey! Fucking lecher! We have to get it after class. Not now. Put it back. Isn’t Rs. 1000 a bit too much? You can’t spend Rs. 1000 for Ritu? You know Ritu? Well, I want to know her. Welcome guys! How are y’all? Good. Lots of excited new faces, huh? So guys, we’re organizing a Freshers’ Party for y’all. And the passes are for just Rs. 1500. But, the special thing about this party is that some of our IIT friends
are gonna be there as well. Please download Popshot on this.
It has too many apps. I mean…which ticket did you end up buying? You aren’t listening properly. It’s obvious. As kids, the coaching centers
fooled us with the IIT tag. And now, the seniors.
Gun! [empty clicks] It doesn’t even work! Do you just use it as a prop? You crazy or what? Forget everything else. First tell me where you found this simpleton. Remember how my Dad’s friend’s son
was supposed to come stay? Yeah. Yeah, I’ve just reached. Yeah, he’s already inside.
He picked up the keys. Alright, I’ll go meet him. Yeah. Bye, Dad. [doorbell rings] Who is it? Bro, it’s Shivam. You must have
picked up the keys. I mean, I live here. If you live here,
why are you outside? Bro…I went to college. I’m a first year B.Tech student.
My Dad must have told you. Open up, man. My Mum told me – Don’t trust anyone in Delhi. How do I know you’re Shivam? Are you a lunatic or something? How am I supposed to prove that?
Just open up. If you can’t prove it, better stay outside. Ok…okay fine, just listen to me. Your Dad must have given you
my number, right? Just ring me. He gave me Shivam’s number. Fine. Call that then. [phone rings] You…you’re convinced now, right?
Open the door then. Shivam isn’t answering right now. You fucking psycho! Hello.
Hello, Shivam. There’s an imposter here. Are you out of your mind?
He’s using your name… Open the damn door! You stole Shivam’s phone? What did you do to him?
Tell me! Are you insane, you idiot? It’s me. I’m Shivam. [laughs] It’s me. Open up. How long did this farce go on? Half a damn hour. Till this dumbfuck went out for milk. [laughs] [laughs] What’s up, man? Sell that and buy a knife instead. At least it’ll be of some use. Go to sleep, you crazy person. I’m not crazy. Sorry. It’s fine, dude. No biggie. Next time just say that you’re Shivam. I’ll open the door. Alright. Thank you. Hi!
Look at that! My little one is all grown up. So tell me. How was the first day of college?
It was good. The seniors told us about the
unofficial Freshers’ Parties. We’re thinking of buying passes.
Tell me this. Is there a girl you like? Oh come on. It was just my first day. How would I…? I’m kidding, dude! You remember our promise, right? If either of us end up liking someone at college, we won’t lie to each other. We’ll always be good friends. Yeah, I remember. By the way…
Where is the Freshers’ Party? At a club called Duty Free. It’s in Gurgaon Sector 29. Nice! Clubbing and all, huh? Send me pictures. Of course.
Shivangi, listen! Just a sec.
I’ll call you in a bit. Okay, okay. Bye!
Bye. People tend to lie for the smallest of reasons. Just so they don’t have to explain. Lying is necessary, Sir. That’s true. Your Freshers’ Party sounds quite scandalous! Tell me what went down. [laughs] Freshers’ Party?